It's early, and I'm tired and at work and I don't want to be, so this might just be a complainy blog. The coffee hasn't kicked in yet, even though I have been kind of guzzling it.

I came back from the Strawberry Music Festival on Monday, and now I feel inspired and frustrated. Inspired because I heard a lot of music, played a lot of music, and heard a lot of stories about people playing music. Frustrated because I returned to a messy, hectic desk, in a quiet, busy office where they make tax software, and I talk about the IRS all day long. I'm inspired because a place like a music festival brings out the best in people - you walk into a stranger's campsite, and they happily welcome you in. Frustrated because I'm back in LA, having to drive in a car next to strangers - you want to merge into their lane, and they do everything possible to keep you out.

I don't think I'm a cynical person. I'm just having a moment. I feel tired and cranky, and I just don't want to be sitting at this desk. If the people playing at music festivals can make money doing what they love, can't I too? I think so. Let me clarify though - I really cannot complain all too much about my job. I have a job. And it pays me well, and that is an amazing thing these days. Do I want it to be my career? No. But it is allowing me to start paying down my debt. And to feel the feeling of having no debt will one day be a very exciting thing. And it will also allow me to one day go to Greece. And it did allow me to go to the Strawberry Music Festival. Ok, so maybe I won't pack up and disappear into the woods just yet.

Alright. I got all that off my chest, so I feel better now. The coffee is doing its job, and my tired head doesn't feel so heavy. I think I maybe need to wake up a little earlier and have coffee at home. This would make for a less miserable first hour at work. I have rambled and half-complained enough. I am going to make the choice to have a good day, and continue the feeling of being inspired, and try not to be frustrated. Because that does me no good. Frustration just leaves me with complaints, while motivation and inspiration leaves me with goals. My goal for right now: wake up and stop complaining.

August and Ian

Well here it all comes again. Every year, as Ian's birthday approaches, he's in my mind even more than usual. I think back to all his other birthdays in his lifetime, and each one since he died, but I also reflect on my life now, and how he would fit into it. With every new friend I make, and important person that comes into my life, I get a stinging feeling knowing that they won't get to meet Ian. But a good friend recently told me that he feels like he knows him, because of all the stories I tell, and the picture I've painted about who he was. I find comfort in that somehow. Knowing that I am still doing a good job of keeping his memory alive is very important to me. But I can't help imagining what life would be like these days with him around. Now that I live in LA again, I know that I would see him a lot, like I see my other brother Josh. Ian would be so supportive of my band, and he'd be friends with my friends. He would probably try everything he could to get our songs into the movies or tv shows he was working on. He would recruit friends to our shows and brag to anyone he could. He'd still make fun of me and tease me whenever possible, and tell me to stop being the "fashion police" when I'd make a comment about his wrinkled pants or mismatched outfit. He'd be goofy Uncle Ian to baby Stella, Ben and Elliott, Josh and Emily's kids, my kids. In some way, he still is. Because we don't let go of all these memories. We don't stop talking about him. So on August 6th, what would have been his 32nd birthday, we'll celebrate him and his life, and have a drink in his honor. And live it up, like he did. He'd be happy to know we're all happy and having fun. So that is what we will do.

Little Bits

I have recently had some days of real sadness and loneliness. Sometimes a part of my heart has felt an aching that I don't know what to do with. So I've been dealing with it, sitting in it, and allowing myself to try to not just escape it easily. Because I know it could find its way back to me eventually if I don't face it now. In the last month, I've been more quiet and more introverted than usual. Some days, not as interested in being social or talking to people; even friends and family.

But last weekend, I spent several nights alone at my apartment. I felt like I was fighting off a cold, so I stayed in and stayed to myself and went to sleep early each night. By Sunday morning, I felt an energy that I hadn't felt in awhile, and it's stayed with me since then. I'm finally feeling little bits of myself coming back. I feel my silliness returning, along with my sense of adventure and fun.

I know I'll still have those other days, and I will let them come, but I'm glad to have the other little bits of me back.

Away I Go!

I'm beyond excited for my 4 day trip up North. I've been wanting to visit my friends in San Francisco, and visit my mom, sister, brother, grandma, etc, in Santa Cruz, and I just haven't taken the time to do it. I decided a few days ago that I'm going to go this weekend. After all my moving and dealing with everything in the last month and a half, I believe that I am due for a getaway. And a solo getaway, at that. I get to make my own plans, my own schedule, leave when I want, eat chocolate all day, tie my own shoes, get into multiple bar-room brawls...ahhh the joys of traveling alone.

Saturday morning, I leave. And will I drive and drive. An oil change is in order. And some good music, coffee, and a relaxed mind. Away I go.

Change

In just over a month, I've ended a 7 year relationship, moved out and into my own apartment for the first time by myself, and my best friends have had their first baby. Crazy crazy times. I've talked before about people being afraid of change. Sometimes you think that extreme change is going to make you feel better (i.e. getting engaged), and sometimes you're so afraid of it, that you stay in what you know, unsure of what the other side will look like. Right now, I'm pretty happy with the other side. That's not to say that I wasn't happy before, or that I have any regrets, because I really don't, but I did ignore my own heart for a long time. And that's a little bit sad, because it makes me realize that I think people do it all the time. We are comforted by the safety of the known, even if it's not always what's particularly best. I'm still here thrashing around, making my way through the unknown, but quite happily so.
I love my apartment. I love hardwood floors, even though I'm not used to walking on them yet. I half thud and half tip-toe. Feels weird on bare feet. I love how they look but I don't love dust. So I sweep more than I used to, and that's a good thing. And the room still a little echo-y, so I find myself whispering when I'm on the phone and in my apartment by myself. I love my curtains, even though they're wrinkled. But I don't iron. I guess I should start. I need a trashcan, a rug, a desk, a kitchen table. I need to re-upholster my bar stools. Hem the kitchen curtains. And put up art. Little by little, change is coming.

New things, scary things, many things

A lot of things in my life are different right now. I'm moving into my own apartment tomorrow. It's a new thing for me to live on my own. I've always had someone else to sign a lease with, and make decisions with. Now it's all on me. It's a good thing, I know, and it will help me grow a lot, but it's also just kind of scary. I don't know why I think "scary", but it is a little. I keep picturing my first night there by myself, sitting there with all my stuff around me. Will I feel overwhelmed? Sad? Lonely? Happy? I have no idea. Why are we sometimes so afraid of the unknown? Why do I fear being alone with my own thoughts? Is there really that much there for me to still discover? There must be.

2 nights ago, I had a really scary dream, where I think some man followed me to my new apartment, and I was trying to hide from him, and just crying out this strange cry. I was apparently making that sound out loud, and my brother came in to make sure I was ok. I couldn't even explain what my dream was. But all these fears and anxieties are playing out everywhere, in my dreams and in my moods.

I think fear keeps people from making changes and living their life to the fullest. WHY DO WE FEAR CHANGE? What is so scary about something being different? Comfort often wins. No one likes to feel vulnerable. But feeling vulnerable and scared and uncomfortable may be just what I need to really know myself better. So here I am, trying that on for size.

Here goes...

Busy Busy Beeeee

My dad just texted me and said, "Where is a new blog post?" I said, "I knowwwww right?!" Duh! What a slacker I am! How can my buh-buh-blog be in yo fa-fa-fa-face if I don't even write for 4 months? It's not in yo fa-fa-fa-face, it's down the stra-stra-stra-streeeet! Ohhhhhh, Lauren.

Well, here's a quick one, because I'm tired of being on this computer today. It's all I've done since I got home from work. Busy busy work. But who wants to hear about my boring, dumb, tax-form-filled, techie-nerd work? You don't. And neither do I. Anyway, I've been busy at this computer with promoting for our EP Release show on April 18th (at 8pm at the Viper Room - in case a random stranger/Slater fan is reading this, and doesn't already know about our show). It's only 13 days away, and our songs are almost done, and the artwork is almost done, and we are just so damn excited we could squeak! Who squeaks? I don't. Am I delirious? Yes, I think so. What have I even said so far? Not much. And yet, I continue asking myself questions. And answering them.

This is my current delirious state. You are welcome for this blog. It was this or nothing. Maybe you'd take nothing. Well, it's TOO LATE NOW.

Peace.
Double L